Asian Male Dating Reddit
Let me put it bluntly: When it comes to dating, it sucks to be an Asian male in the U.S. I’ll share my personal experience in a bit, but first, let’s look at the science behind it all. Asian men, have you ever been fetishized, and what were your experiences like? We tend to hear a lot about Asian women being fetishized by non-Asian men (mostly white), but rarely ever about the experiences of Asian men, or even queer Asian women, with being fetishized, save the occasional weeaboo tale. So Asian men, queer, straight or anything.
Sex & Relationships
Because people of colour can *absolutely* internalize problematic ideas about ourselves
My current boyfriend is Filipino, but he is one of the very few Asian men I’ve dated.
Growing up, I lived in a predominantly white town, which was one reason that I didn’t date many Asian men—there just weren’t many around to begin with. But it was also partially about me. During my teens and early 20s, I was vehemently against dating Asian guys. When friends tried to pair me up with the one Chinese guy in elementary school, as if we were meant to be because I was the only Chinese girl, I quickly became annoyed. And in high school, I very clearly remember a bunch of guys trying to introduce me to their Asian friend while I was waiting for the bus after school one day. I scoffed and walked away, irritated at the unspoken expectation that I should to stick to my own race.
Now, I can see that I was surrounded by many, many problematic messages about the desirability of Asian men (or lack thereof), which in turn led me to believe that they were socially awkward, passive, unattractive—and therefore not dateable. But I also thought being paired with an Asian guy would make me seem more Asian, which I definitely did not want. Being with a white guy felt like stepping stone to being less different, or like it would make me more like the white girls I wanted to be like.
Asian men have a long history of being desexualized
As The Huffington Post notes, ugly cultural tropes around Asian men and attractiveness actually stem from racist legislation. In the 1800s, when the first Asian immigrants came to America, they were subjected to a series of xenophobic laws that stripped them of many rights that signify manhood, such as property ownership, job opportunities (most were forced into more “feminine” job, such as cooks, dishwashers and laundrymen) and the ability to marry freely (the Chinese Exclusion Act of 1882 made the possibility of Asian men finding Asian brides much harder, but anti-miscegenation laws also made it illegal for them to marry white women).
Then, of course, Hollywood and pop culture reinforced this idea. Before Crazy Rich Asians, Fresh Off the Boat and Kim’s Convenience, there wasn’t much Asian representation on-screen. And even after the success of these game-changing movies and television shows, there is still room for much more Asian representation in media. We’ve made some progress since Gedde Watanabe played Long Duk Dong in Sixteen Candles, but East Asian men are still rare in movies or on TV, and they are still most often portrayed as soft-spoken nerds that women don’t find desirable (think Matthew Moy’s character Han in 2 Broke Girls). Even when they’re depicted as strong fighters or martial artists, they still don’t get the girl (remember Jet Li’s character Han Sing—yes, another Han—in Romeo Must Die?).
“Every Asian-American man knows what the dominant culture has to say about us,” celebrity restaurateur, television host and Fresh off the Boat author Eddie Huang wrote in an op-ed for the New York Times. “We count good, we bow well, we are technologically proficient, we’re naturally subordinate, our male anatomy is the size of a thumb drive and we could never in a thousand millenniums be a threat to steal your girl… The structural emasculation of Asian men in all forms of media became a self-fulfilling prophecy that produced an actual abhorrence to Asian men in the real world.”
Huang’s not wrong. A 2014 OkCupid study concluded that women find Asian men less desirable than other men on the app. A speed-dating study conducted at Columbia University showed that Asian men had the most difficulty getting a second date. And “No Asians” is still a common line seen on dating apps, particularly in the gay community.
These stereotypes hurt Asian men—and Asian women
It’s even on daytime TV. Back in January, I saw a clip surface online of Canadian actor Simu Liu on CTV’s The Social. As the show’s hosts began to talk about sexual stereotypes, the Kim’s Convenience star jumped into offer his perspective as an Asian man. But as he did so, the studio audience began to laugh.
Japanese Men Dating White Girls
A post shared by Simu Liu (@simuliu) on
He used the opportunity to (gently) call them out, saying, “Imagine being a kid growing up and having none of the girls want to date you [because of these types of stereotypes].”
But months later, Liu hadn’t forgotten how it felt to hear the audience laugh in that moment. “It honestly felt so surreal. I felt immediate shock that the audience felt like it was OK to laugh at what I said when all I wanted to do was acknowledge that sexual stereotypes are harmful and untrue,” he says.
Liu points to his own experience—when he was younger, he thought being Asian was literally the worst thing that ever happened to him. “I felt just totally and utterly castrated and undatable,” he says. “It took a very long time for me to learn to love myself and where I came from, but I’d be lying if I said that it didn’t still affect me today.”
And the stereotypes aren’t just harmful for Asian men; they affect Asian women, too. Some Asian men have started harassing Asian women for marrying non-Asian men, because to them, “marrying out” perpetuates the stereotype that Asian men are undesirable. As author Celeste Ng writes in a piece for The Cut, “[These ‘Asian incels’] believe they’re fighting a constant battle against a culture that’s out to get them… In their messages, these harassers often claim Asian women don’t care about the issues facing Asian men, or even that they believe the stereotypes.”
And of course, my rejection of Asian men didn’t just harm them. It affected me, too.
I wasn’t attracted to Asian men because of my own insecurities
I refused to date Asian guys because of my own issues with my cultural background. Growing up, I was surrounded by white people—in school, on TV, in magazines and in advertisements. I felt like an outsider, so much that I didn’t want to be associated or paired with anyone who reminded me of my non-whiteness—not friends, and definitely not boyfriends. I did date an Asian guy for two years in university, but shortly after we broke up, I went right back to dating non-Asian men. No one in my friend group was Asian and that didn’t just influence my tastes, it also affected my identity.
When I entered my mid-20s, though, things started to change. As I spent more time with my elders and became more comfortable in my own skin, I became more and more proud of my Chinese roots. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that, as I (gradually) began to embrace my ethnicity, I also began viewing Asian men as more attractive. Of course, the internet and social media helped, since I was exposed to Asian guys who weren’t at all like the stereotypes I saw on TV or in the movies. They were really attractive due to their fashion sense, their talents (ahem… I always had a soft spot for popular YouTube singers like Gabe Bondoc and Jeremy Passion and dancers like Marko Germar or Hokuto ‘Hok’ Konishi from So You Think You Can Dance), or yes, their six-packs—something I’d never seen on Asian men before.
But as I experienced more serious relationships with non-Asian men, particularly Caucasian men, I realized how difficult it was to relate to them on a cultural level. They didn’t understand my family values and were often weirded out by traditional Chinese cuisine. And I always felt like an outsider being the only Asian girl among a bunch of white people when visiting said boyfriends’ families.
But honestly? Asian men are hot
In hindsight, I regret all those years I spent rejecting Asian men. I know I missed out on a lot of great guys. But most of all, I feel ashamed that I resented my own race so much, that I internalized such problematic ideas about Asian men.
Thankfully, in realizing my own worth and importance as a Chinese-Canadian woman, I’ve been able to break down the barriers that once prevented me from viewing Asian men as attractive and dateable. I now feel a huge sense of pride when I see Asian men like Henry Golding, Manny Jacinto, Godfrey Gao and Liu regarded as sex symbols and cheer internally when I see not just Asian women, but women of all races fawn over them.
Amwfs Reddit
It’s not about being shallow. It’s that Asian men are so much more than the old stereotypes used to describe them—and it’s about damn time we all begin to realize this.
Related:
PSA: The Men of Crazy Rich Asians Are Hunky AF
Henry Golding Says He’d be Down for a Rom-Com with Kim’s Convenience’s Simu Liu
“Crazy Rich Asians Isn’t Just a Movie—It’s a Sign That I Matter, Too”
This is one article in our Asian American masculinity issue. Grab it to get more information on how to improve your masculinity as an Asian male. Wanna submit a piece to Amped Asia? Email [email protected]
It’s 2020, and in an era of increasing political correctness, we’ve seen it all when it comes to interracial relationships. People of color are getting shamed for dating outside of their race.
Furthermore, Asian men are actively shaming other Asian men for dating non-Asian.
It seems like no matter which way you look at it, someone’s got something to say about your relationship and what they think you should be doing.
And of course a disclaimer, this isn’t targeted at every single Asian male. Most Asian men I know are not only empathetic, but very tolerant and accepting of interracial relationships. This article is targeted to a vocal few who have been trolling the interwebs.
But why?
When it comes to WMAF relationships, there’s a lot of commentary, both good and bad. When I first entered the scene a decade ago, a lot of that commentary was centered around the nasty messages Asian women would get about why Asian guys were so inferior (Don’t they have small dicks? Why would you pick him?) or around a niche community of Asian women who refused to acknowledge Asian men. It was a mess on both sides, and it was toxic.
Thankfully I don’t see as much of that these days, but with the increasing amounts of acceptance and thus WMAF relationships, what I am seeing more of is Asian men criticizing WMAF relationships and attempting to shame the Asian women involved in them.
It’s been a mystifying roller coaster to see an evolution from one side of the spectrum to another, and I’ve noticed that the criticism seems to be centered around one of two things:
Number one is bitterness. Asian men who have been unsuccessful in the dating game and who see girls of their race choosing other men, especially other White men.
Number two is betrayal. Men who view dating out as a rejection of Asian-ness.
Number three is White supremacy & self-hatred. Men who view Asian women who date out as a confirmation that Asian women are falling into the White supremacy mindset, and because they hate their own race.
Neither of these things are helpful to anyone (although we’ll talk about the last one in a bit).
Attacking someone else’s relationship because it represents something you don’t have is nothing more than an old-fashioned case of sour grapes. Maybe you’re jealous because you’ve got trouble with women. Maybe you’re jealous because you just like Asian women and it upsets you to see them with someone else. Whatever the case may be, attacking another Asian woman because she’s dating a White man isn’t going to help improve your relationship game. You need to examine why you’re having trouble with relationships, and it isn’t because some other guy is having success on “your” turf.
So you realize you’re one of the Asian guys that have these feelings. Now what?
Now assuming you aren’t just a racist piece of shit, there’s probably reasons why you’re feeling this way.
Let’s tackle the betrayal aspect first.
First of all, there are PLENTY of Asian women to go around. As a man you inherently have an advantage because as you age your dating pool actually becomes larger instead of smaller — assuming you are doing things that are raising your value as a man (like having a good career and becoming smarter & more assured of yourself over time).
And considering that males and females are apretty even 50/50 split in this world, it just means there’s a White girl or a girl of another ethnicity open for you to date.
Unless you’re living in China (where men outnumber women by 40 million+), there are plenty of single women out there, and opening up your horizons to include women of other ethnicities is key to finding the right girl for you.
(Editor’s note – I do hear a lot of Asian men in San Francisco face issues because the city has more men than women. If you’re facing this in your city, you should absolutely move. It’s always better to live a happy life than to make money and suffer.)
Look, I get it. It’s easy to lash out at other people when you feel like they’ve sold out or rejected you, but that’s not what WMAF relationships are. People start dating each other because they like each other, they’re attracted to each other, and they have things in common. About 50 years ago that wasn’t socially acceptable. But it’s 2019 and we’re no longer socially encumbered by those restrictions. If an Asian woman is dating a White man, it’s generally because he likes her and she likes him.
And of course, hapas are extremely attractive, and the more WMAF relationships are out there, the more sexy hapas you can date. I’m the product of a WMAF relationship, and I actually love dating Asian men.
But beyond the betrayal mindset, we have to attack the underlying issue behind why you’re also bitter. For most guys it’s because you can’t get a date. Guys in happy relationships don’t think or complain about WMAF.
Asian Male Dating Reddit Videos
To begin down this road, you have to be slightly self-reflective.
You need to admit that Asian girls dating White men isn’t what’s causing your dating problems.
The real problem is you lack mate value.
Ask yourself a few of these quick questions.
1 – Have you had a 3rd party assess how well you dress?
And when I mean “assess,” I mean get an opinion from a professional.Most guys have never gotten advice from someone who actually knows how to dress, they simply rely on their own opinions. That’s like Donald Trump making decisions for the United States without asking his advisors.
Three quick elements to putting together an outfit – wear clean shoes, a regular (non-graphic) tee, and well-fitted darker color jeans. DO NOT wear baggy jeans.
2 – Do you have a hairstyle that’s trendy?
No, the Asian bowlcut doesn’t count. Go to a barber, not SuperCuts, and ASK them what kind of haircut they would recommend for your facial shape and hair texture.
Pompadours, undercuts, and a simple Google search for “top trendy haircuts for men 2019” are your best friend.
3 – Do you have a lot of friends?
Most guys who can’t get a date also don’t have a lot of friends.
Here’s a tip. Don’t avoid the friend-zone with girls. Use women as a sounding board to help increase your mate value, as women can give you advice on your look and why you’re not getting any girls. Don’t have an ego, ask them straight up what tips they would have for you to get a girlfriend.
4 – Are you even getting out of the house and socializing?
So many of the guys complaining are the same guys who are keyboard jockeys simply staying at home and posting things on Reddit. Stop sitting in front of the keyboard and start hitting up social events in your area.
5 – Are you working out and taking care of your body?
Not only does working out help you release endorphins, it’s been proven that it helps people become more confident. Start slowly by working out and figuring out a diet plan that will work for your lifestyle.
By doing the assessment of the previous 5 things, and ACTING on them, you can increase your mate value to the point where you will definitely be able to get a girl.
White supremacy / Self-hatred
The last thing I’ll tackle on is the guys who criticize the Asian women for dating out because of problematic beliefs on White supremacy. Namely they feel that Asian women are dating out due to being colonized by the White majority / Hollywood.
There’s some merit to this argument, but the problem is women who get called out on this way are generally not going to take it very well. Just imagine if the roles were reversed, and you got called out for something, you’d probably be very defensive as well.
Lastly, if they ARE indoctrinated into the cult of White supremacy, then it’s pretty hard to get someone out of that. An increase of bashing in the Asian community is only gonna cause more and more Asian women to go the other way.
And once women fall into that self-hatred mindset, it’s up to them to come out of it. And the way to do that is to make it “cool” to be Asian and make it cool to date Asian men.
Telling them that they’re just self-hating White worshippers is going to make them fall deeper into White supremacy as they feel more antagonized by Asian men.
Listen, I know that things are still changing, and I know that as things continue to change our attitudes, beliefs, and actions will change with them. I know that being critical of WMAF relationships is both a rejection of something new and unknown and an attempt to cling to the past, but that’s just it: times are changing. This is no longer the era of impoverished women from Southeast Asia marrying foreign nationals twice their age in an attempt to get a green card, and to act like it is is insulting. Whatever your reasons for being critical of WMAF relationships are, be it bitterness or a sense of betrayal, bickering and infighting isn’t going to change it, it isn’t going to stop it, and it isn’t going to help Asian men rise above.
If we want to succeed in continuing to make the world a better place for Asian men to live in, fighting over relationships is not the way to do it. In the spirit of welcoming in 2019, leave those ugly scars behind you.
EDITOR’s NOTE, I also really liked Joe from JK films commentary on this issue, so I added it here.
Written by Cindy Young