Best Okcupid Profiles
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One of the funniest profiles I have ever read!!!
My self-summary:
- Best (and worst) OKCupid intros – ChewyChunks. November 24, 2012 August 11, 2014. Best (and worst) OKCupid intros. My blog was being under-visited lately, so here’s a shamelessly juicy collection of my dating opening letters from the last 11 months of OKCupid correspondence. From Dec 10, 2011 to Nov 24, 2012 I sent 463 letters to women.
- Photo: Courtesy of OkCupid. Forget what you know about online dating. Everything your friends or sister or mom told you to put in your OKCupid profile — just delete it.
- Therefore, each profile visited by you acquires a certain percentage of match compatibility. Respectively, being aware of this percentage, it’s possible to make concrete conclusions. Okcupid Audience. With 50 million registered users around the globe, Okcupid turns out to be one of the most populated online dating resources today.
DISCLAIMER:
All comments and posts stated in this profile are original and mine mine mine! However, they may be borrowed free-of-charge at your own risk for up to 2 weeks but will require a monthly lease fee thereafter of $19.95. My thoughts are considered my own opinions are not an official representation of OKcupid or any other OKcupid employees. Any similarity to actual opinions, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Any spelling mistakes in this article are all entirly my fault. Any grammer errors spotted in this article were put there because I could. Some assembly is required. Each sold separately. Batteries not included. Objects in mirror are closer than they appear. If conditions persist, contact a physician. Keep out of reach of children. Avoid prolonged exposure to direct sunlight and Shaking it more than three times is considered playing with it!
SPECIAL NOTE: No cats, dogs, goldfish, chickens, insects, bacteria, minerals, illegal aliens or vegetables were harmed, maimed, mistreated or tickled in the making of this profile.
THIS SITE IS CRAY! CRAY!
EVERY PROFILE IS LIKE READING THE WIZARD OF OZ!
“VEGANS, BISEXUALS & POLY’S OH MY! 0.0”
Hmmm…If you are all here then who’s running HELL???
HAHAHA JUST KIDDING…IT’S A FN JOKE! NO NEED TO BE OFFENDED! JUST CRAZY TO SEE YOU ALL YOU CRAZY KIDS IN ONE PLACE.
Now that I got that out of the way welcome to my crazy little profile ladies, please watch your step and remember to keep both hands inside the ride at all times. That being said as you read through the profile please do not confuse the humor and sarcasm with a lack of maturity. It’s an internet dating site let’s not take it too seriously shall we? In reading this hopefully you can recognize the parts that reflect my personality, sincerity and of course humor. I consider myself a unique individual and I like the fact that I go left when others go right. I don’t expect to be everyone’s right fit with regards to my looks, humor and or beliefs. I am totally fine with that but in the same respect you may or may not be mine as well. In any case I know what personality and traits I prefer and will recognize those when I read and see them. If you want to know more then all you have to do is ask I am open and honest.
Oh and sorry to disappoint ladies :’( but there will be no pics of me shirtless to showcase my ALPHA MALENESS in all it GLORY like the other dogs. Seriously! Who raised some of these KNUCKLE DRAGGERS on this site? 0.0 Also I am not here looking for a hookup or booty call (I KNOW SHOCKER!!!) I am attractive and confident enough in myself to do that outside of the internet thank you. I assure you I’m not QUASI MOTO WITH A HUMP…Ringing The Bell in The Tower! Scaring away all the villagers. I do very well on my own in the real world. My hope here is to meet others and see what’s available in the online universe. If something develops down the line I am open to that possibility.
Also read the entire FREAKIN profile if you decide to message me. It is really annoying when ladies whose attention span are so limited that they can’t take the time read the entire profile. Seriously they NEED TO BE MONKEY STOMPED!!! AND BE REMINDED THAT YOU NEVER GO FULL RETARD!!! Mmmmm…K!!!
Sorry but it had to be said!
Moving right along then….
MY IDEAL FIRST DATE?
Hmmmm… “We go out on a date, have some Chicken, maybe some Sex. Ya know? See what happens” ~ Champ Kind
MY PERFECT MATCH?
I don’t believe in a perfect match. Who would want perfect anyway? I like imperfection in people I meet because it’s their own unique identity. No need to be completely normal, being quirky, weird and a little crazy I can respect too.
Some things I am looking for are?
MUTUAL ATTRACTION:
This hits many area’s from intelligence, personality, humor, physical and of course sexual attraction. I am definitely turned on by a sense of humor, being able to joke, laugh and have a battle of wits with my girl is extremely sexy. But If you happen to also make my MALE PARTS BEEP! and are “SPANK BANK WORTHY” that’s a huge plus too! Hopefully you find me equally as attractive on all those same levels and I also make your LADY BITS BEEP TOO!… Let’s be honest attraction is VERY IMPORTANT! We click on profiles initially because of that very fact!
A MENTAL CONNECTION:
Can you hold an intelligent conversation on subjects without me wanting to Shoot Myself in the Face? Do we think alike? Are you funny, witty and can challenge me on another level? There is absolutely nothing worse than being with a person that does not get you. And are so boring and uninteresting you would literally GNAW your arm off, develop a serious DRUG HABIT or fake your own DEATH just to escape them. TRUST ME I’VE MET SOME LADIES ON HERE THAT MAKE ME WISH OKCUPID HAD A WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM…DOH! I want my match to be someone I can totally relate to and learn things from in our relationship.
COMMON INTERESTS:
Do we enjoy similar interests? Share similar views on issues and subjects in life. I don’t expect to see eye to eye on everything we enjoy in our relationship but I want her to share in my passions as I do hers and genuinely like spending time together. She may not always enjoy going to see a football game, camping out, or hanging for a weekend at Comic Con? And I may not like or share your love of Antiquing, Shopping, Yard Sales or Date night watching a play of the VAGINA MONOLOGUES for 2 FN HOURS!!! (don’t ask?) But we should be able to support each other in things we enjoy and find ways to share in that experience together. Also to be clear I don’t think we need to spend every waking moment with each other either. I strongly encourage and support spending time apart with our family and friends as needed. Spending time apart in my opinion is healthy and good for a relationship long term
WHEW!!!I know, I know you’re probably saying to yourself, this guy sure sets the bar really low for his dates!
SOME REASONS WHY I’M CONSIDERED A “BAD BOY”
1) I text and drive!
2) I Run with Scissors!
3) I drink straight from the milk carton!
4) I don’t look both ways before crossing the street!
5) and I always leave the toilet seat up!
(Oh yeah ladies I’m a Bad-Ass!)
And finally! I will look at your profiles and yes? I do read every word and details of those I visit not just look at the pictures. God knows I can’t get enough of the Dirty Bathroom Mirror shots, Close-up Car shots, Duck Face shots or my personal favorite Enhanced Cleavage shots. WELL PLAYED LADIES! You have BREASTS! and THEY’RE SPECTACULAR! and some of you are even MOTORBOAT WORTHY… I F@CKIN GET IT! But it’s really hard to take your profiles seriously when in all CAPS you write you are not looking for a HOOK-UP, BOOTY CALL, ONE NIGHT STAND or a FRIEND WITH BENNIES situation and command RESPECT with your TITTAYS all jacked up in my face?…LMFAO!
Just Sayin… Don’t be mad if you bring out the inner QUAGMIRE in people when you do this…Giggity!
BESIDES I’M AN ASS MAN…*wink* :-P
Now sit back pour yourself a shot or maybe a glass of wine and let’s get this show started shall we?:-)
What I’m doing with my life
“Finding out that there is so much more to it than just being really, really ridiculously good looking, and I am going to find out what that is?”
I’m really good at
KISSING and MAKING THE SEXY TIME!
Jazz Flute! ….I dabble.
“My sweet Num-Chuck skills… Bow Hunting skills… Computer Hacking skills… Cause Girls only want Boyfriends who have great skills!”
“Krumping” When I feel it I do It!
SINGING! I’m a Karaoke GOD! I’ve been told I am like a cross between “Fergie and Jesus!” Def Leopards “Pour Some Sugar On Me” is My Jam!“
HUMOR & SARCASM! Its spews out naturally like Tourettes!
GOING DOWNTOWN… NAW MEAN GIRL! o.O
The first things people usually notice about me
That I’m HUNG Like a BEAR!..No Seriously it’s like a Kickstand!
My Leather Fanny Pack! Which then makes you look at My JUNK! haha
Maybe My Eyes… they have a way of pulling you in…No….Shhhhhh!…. just let it happen!
The strong odor of Beef & Cheese? o.0
Probably that I am not BLACK!!!
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Fav Books:
Your Body and You (moms gave it to me at 10) scared the hell out of me yet I learned a lot about my male parts and that it’s ok to have certain feelings but not to act on all of them as that might come off as creepy! 0.o
Anything Sci-Fi I’m a bit of a Nerd/Geek Loved the Harry Potter Books, Game of Thrones, Hunger Games, World War Z and others. Coolest thing ever invented was ebooks…Love them!
Some Favorite Movies:
Major Payne! Zoolander, Duplex, Anchorman, Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby, Love you Man, Overnight Delivery, Cable Guy and anything Dark Comedy is my genre. But I like all movies because I have a passion for them.
AND…
GOONIE 4 LIFE TOO BABY!!! YOU WANNA GET IN MY PANTS YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO DO THE TRUFFLE SHUFFLE
Some Favorite Shows:
The Big Bang Theory, Elementary, Person of Interest, 2 Broke Girls, New Girl, Game Of Thrones, Dexter, Empire Boardwalk, Fringe, Firefly, X-Files, Rosanne The list goes on and on…
OH AND TRUE BLOOD!!! I’M A FANG BANGER! :-p
Some Favorite Music:
Anything R&B and Hip Hop, Rock, Classic Rock, Indie Rock. I like anything I am feeling but not a country fan. Music is definitely a huge part of my personality and gives me reason to go on most days.
Food:
I am a foodie and like to try it all from Asian to Mexican to Italian and French you name it I’m ready to dive in. I am a huge Gordon Ramsay and Bobby Flay fan and hope to one day be as good in the kitchen (dare to dream). I love to cook & bake at home when I can and I am actually quite good at it thanks to my mom.
Of course there is so much more to me than this little essay DUH!
The six things I could never do without
1) Berry Flavored Skittles - Cause those are just F@%king delicious!
2) My Orange Crocs - I know! Contain your Orgasms!
3) A Fanny Pack - Let’s be honest not only are they fun, functional & stylish they are TIMELESS. You can carry all kinds of important stuff in them, like your Chapstick, Some Gum…Your Virginity! :-)
4) My Humor - It would be cruel not to share my Sarcasm and Wit with the world and those closest to me.
Humor Is Sexy Baby!
5) Grey Goose Vodka - Cause it too is F@ckin Delicious! And honestly my friends just aren’t as fun without it, work would be super unbearable and driving would be soooooo boring.
Best Okcupid Profiles Examples
6) My Family My Friends and of course Footie Pajamas, My Satchel, My Beta Max collection of 70’s Porn, Scented Candles, My VHS copy of XANADU and the silky smooth panty droppin sounds of My Michael Bolton MIX TAPES!
I spend a lot of time thinking about
What life would be like if I wasn’t this 'Really, Really Ridiculously Good Looking?”
That I hope this cream makes the Burning and Itching go away in the next 4-6 weeks? :-(
“That Mama says Astrology is a Tool for the Devil”
Rule #76 “NO EXCUSES PLAY LIKE A CHAMPION” :-)
that…“it puts the lotion on it’s skin or else it gets the hose again!”
On a typical Friday night I am
Possibly Chilling and Relaxing at home after a hard day of working the Can Crusher down at the Recycling Center.
Maybe hanging with friends, having a few laughs, opening a Box of Wine and playing Naked Twister!
Usually PUNCH DANCING MY RAGE out to the Footloose soundtrack!
Hopefully I’m on a date getting to show my OH! FACE! ;-)
But…
Most likely at home alone crying my eyes out, listening to AIR SUPPLY and getting Sh%t Faced on Snow Peak Peach Flavored Boone’s cause that’s how I roll B#tches!
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
“That I wear a special cologne. It’s called Sex Panther by Odeon. It’s illegal in nine countries…and it’s made with bits of real panther, so you know it’s good.”
I am also a “SURVIVOR” of CHOROPHOBIA
Commonly referred to as White People’s Disease… I know it sounds funny, but I assure you it’s no laughing matter living with this soul crushing affliction. I Yearn to “like the
NIGHTLIFE and LOVE TO BOOGIE!”
*tear* (╥﹏╥) One day at a time…
Oh! And this one time at BAND CAMP!
I’m looking for
Girls who like guys
Ages 21–60
Located anywhere
For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating, casual sex
You should message me if
WHAT? YOU SHOULD NOT CONTACT ME! ARE YOU SERIOUS??? I AM SOME RANDOM DUDE FROM THE INTERNET. YES INCREDIBLY FUNNY, CHARMING & CUTE. BUT GIRL YOUR MAMMA RAISED YOU BETTER THAN THIS! YOU DON’T KNOW ME! I COULD BE SOME STRANGER DANGER THAT THEY ARE PROFILING ON THE NEXT DATELINE W/CHRIS HANSEN ABOUT ONLINE DATING PREDATORS!
GIRL LOCK YOUR DOORS, HIDE YO PETS, HIDE YO KIDS, HIDE YO GRAND MA MA AND NEVER LOOK BACK!
OR?…
if DANGERS your middle name and…
You feel you are SPANK BANK WORTHY!
and…
My Boy Band good looks aren’t intimidating.
and…
You are into fanny packs, orange crocs or want to come over and watch XANADU or you share my love of Michael Bolton’s Music!
Or if you just…
Want to know “What does he mean by 'GOING DOWNTOWN???”
But you should absolutely message me if…
You have a serious mental disorder, are on medications, have prison made tats on your boobs and neck, a criminal record, a drinking and drug problem, if you see DEAD PEOPLE!, You use the word HELLA! Can walk and Chew Gum at the same time, suffer from a BITCHY RESTING FACE or if you are needy, whiny, lazy, smelly, hairy, have no teeth, are Rockin a 70’s Bush! and are completely INSANE!
THEN HOLLA!
Reddit (especially r/okcupid) is a great resource if you’re looking for a sounding board, feedback, or advice around dating on OkCupid.
Since the subreddit has existed, however, tons of ground has been covered. And the same questions come up over and over again.
The OkCupid Reddit wiki tries to capture the best of these questions and answers but can be a bit unweildly itself.
Here’s what believe to be the top 3 best-of-the-best advice from Reddit OkCupid.
#1) Reddit’s OkCupid Self-Summary Advice
How To Write A Good Okcupid Profile
DO
Do try writing this section last. Use the freestyle nature of this section to fill in anything you feel you didn’t get the chance to say in the rest of your profile.
Do focus on who you /are/. The things you /like/ and the things you /do/ belong in other sections. What is it these things are supposed to tell us about your character?
Edit weekly.
DON’T
Don’t say you suck at self-summaries. Lots of people dislike trying to summarize their complicated personality into a couple of paragraphs in a way they’re comfortable with. You probably don’t want to be lumped in with lots of people.
Don’t portray negativity or entitlement! This is supposed to be the hook to your profile and coming off as either of those will turn away tons of viewers. Nobody wants to be around a stuck up little brat.
Don’t write out your whole goddamned life story.
#2) Reddit’s OkCupid First Message Advice
DO
- Keep it light.
- Be interesting in the first 100 characters. This is important because the introduction is visible before the message is even opened.
- Keep it short. 2-4 sentences is an acceptable length. Be aware that you’re not the only message in their inbox, and lengthy messages can get skimmed or skipped.
- Show interest in getting to know them vs. smalltalk
- Demonstrate that you’ve read their profile
- Attempt to ask a question they haven’t heard before. If not, dive a bit deeper into a topic they probably get quite often.
- Use correct spelling, grammar and punctuation.
- Imagine yourself talking to this person in real life. Don’t write anything you wouldn’t say to their face. Don’t write anything that sounds too obvious or stupid.
- Only initiate conversations you WANT to have. Don’t ask someone about his/her interest in a topic just because (s)he’s cute. If nothing interests you personally, let it go.
DON’T
- Write just “hi, hello, hey there, etc.” and expect to get a response. /u/Lachryman says, “I say ‘Hey’ to my coworkers every morning. I’m not trying to date any of them.“
- Copy/paste. For the love of all that is wonderful in this world, please put forth some effort if you’re trying to find someone to be with.
- Say “why don’t you have a BF/GF? You’re too attractive to be single.”
- Send any kind of first message that you wouldn’t feel comfortable saying to someone in public.
- Spend a bunch of time to introduce yourself, tell your life story, or explain why you don’t think the person will message you back.
- Mention how attractive you think he/she is in an opening message.
- Open all possible topics of conversation or ask lots of questions in one question. Let the conversation flow and ask new questions in a lull.
- Invest too heavily in a profile or message. It will hurt more if they never respond.
- Be afraid to ask me out during our first or second message.
- Speak in slang, memes, ol’ timey, or anything that isn’t who you are.
- Give a fuck.
- Mention sex for a while.
- Neg, belittle, or clearly offend. (For those that don’t know, negging is the practice of offering a backhanded compliment through a method of a borderline insult, or “Low-grade insults meant to undermine the self-confidence of another individual so they might be more vulnerable to your advances and seek your approval.”)
#3) Reddit’s OkCupid Profile Photo Advice
DO
From our very own /u/mattheikkila’s OKCuTips: “Your first photo should either show how attractive you can be, or be interesting enough to compel those you’re interested in to click on it when it’s a little 60×60 pixel thumbnail. Picking an odd, silly, weird, or goofy picture is probably not the best choice. I personally will click on a profile only if there is a reasonable chance that they’re attractive, and I do this for 3 reasons: 1 is to save time, 2 is because it’s a dating site and I’m only going to consider someone I find attractive, and 3 is because I don’t want to unnecessarily give the message that I may be interested (by showing up in their visitor list) if I’m definitely not. Usually a face shot with good lighting, no bathroom shots, or self shots if you can help it. Also, you can help it. Do you have one friend? Do you or they have a camera or a camera phone?
Your second and third photos should be flattering, and one of the three should be a full body shot, because there’s no point in dealing with the embarrassment of finding out one of you even accidentally misrepresented what you look like in person.”
Your first picture is the most important piece of the profile puzzle. It’s the first thing people see when searching profiles, and can be the make-or-break decision in less than five seconds of someone knowing of your existence. So, DO pick your absolute best picture! It must have great lighting, great composure, high resolution, and most importantly your best features being the most prominent eye-catcher in the picture. Also, when cropping, make sure to capture that essence because your thumbnail is your representative on the site.
DO have a few pictures alone, and a few with other people. Having lots of one and very few of the other will give bad impressions of either being too anti-social and difficult to mesh with your match’s friends, or too clung to your friends and activities to have time for a partner.
Do show variety. Different places, different times, different moods, different atmospheres, different poses and different facial expressions will do more to show how multi-faceted of a person you are than any amount of words you type out describing it.
Psst… Want girls or guys to 😍😍😍 at your OkCupid profile?
Test your OkCupid pics on Photofeeler.
Photofeeler tells you how you’re coming across in pics — if you look attractive, smart, trustworthy, fun, confident, and more.
You could ask r/OkCupid for feedback, but statistically, the handful of opinions you’ll get is very scant. Further, someone on Reddit OkCupid might say you look “bad” in one picture or “better” in another. But how often do you find out why a photo is good or bad?
What if none of your pictures are doing you justice? Most people (men especially) use pics that don’t do them justice at all. What they need is some hard data and real guidance for how to do better.
Answer? Test all your pics on Photofeeler. Choosing profile pics this way has been known to increase matches on Tinder by 200-400%.